follow me to wonderland

i hate my own mind.
things are so amazing with me right now, working school living everything. yet the best is with brandon. hes so amazing. yet my mind wont allow me to believe it, i just cant let anyone have my heart im to scared to, its like its to good to be true, my friends will always have my heart but theres always that one part that a friend cant touch its the kind that only love can , and thats the part that brandon has, yet its the hardest part for me to let down my watching walls, the walls that over anyilzes it all,i convince myself that every girl is after him,and that hes after every girl that i dont know.its so sad. because i know its not the truth. now girls im shady on but him... i know him.. and i know that he wont do that, but can ANYONE with ANYBODY ever be so sure????

i hate my mind so much, i just wanna trust him, just wanna love him with out my mind thinking about every little move. but im to scared to, im too scared that he will be another William, or Blake... but deep down i know hes not, i can see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch , and taste it in his kiss...
i hate trust issues... thats why i loved being single yet i hated it, i loved it, because i didnt have to be scared to get hurt, because there was no risk. it was just ,me.. but know that i AM in love its scarrry. and i just dont know what to do.

i know that i can trust him, the only problem is ...HOW DO I DO IT!
how do i trust someone so amazing with my heart... i DO NOT deserve him at all,and i think thats why im really scared. i know shit loads of girls who would be so much better and easyer for him,the types of girls he deserves. yet id kill a bitch for touching him..lmao.

why am i so crazyyyy???

</3.

it kinda nice, ive been cig free for 3 days now. =]
everythings really layed back here, it sucks though b.c im the youngest one in a 50 mile radius. =[
i wish i was home. i cant wait to move into alis. i miss all my firends.
not to minchin, me and brandon are offically dating. no ands ifs or buts about it lol, hes off. my BF.
but besides all that theres not much for me to write b./c NOTHING HAPPENES HERE!!

anywho.
phones on, you can call me anytime.

<33
much love !

so i was supossed to go home today, so we could leave early tomarrow, but my dad called me around 4 and told me he was to drunk to drive so hes just gonna come and get me early tomarrow.
ive had the best times down here.and i cant wait to move back, ali called me and told me that i can move in with her once her gparnets leave so rabbits gonna come and get me in a few weeks, =D
im soo happy and greatful. its gonna be amazing with chirssy and ali, and kimmy since she will prob always be there lol.
anywho

im on cloud nine right now. brandon gave me a neckless that his mom gave him years ago, its a glass heart. when she gave it to him, she told him, to give it to some one special and he gave to me, not samantha not trip, not any of them.. but me so im quite happy!!!
than today we were talking about codes on myspace and the status.. he asked me what mine said and i said |"Single" b.c tenchically i am. well so i thought, he told me that no, thats bullshit, that me and him are dating, and that he wanted me to change it to in a realtionship. its mekes me soo happy. ive been waiting a year for this, for ive liked him since last june when i fist saw him at the madhouse, when i was there with ralk, zauzzie, and reema. he sid hes wait for me, and that he decided hes gonna come visit me while im gone for that little while.

jhfjdsnlfhdslnf!

<3333 smiles is all i can say,
anywho, im gonna go,

much love!

[PLUR!

im so fucking pissed.
not to minchin stressed as shit!
i need shit to start coming together.
if i cant move in with ali, i dont know what the fuck im gonna do.
b.c i dont know were else i can go right now.
on top of that bull shit, i NEED A MOTHER FUCKING JOB. but i cant look for one, untill i fucking know where the hell im moving too!

JDFHKLDASHF. im soo aggervated you have no fucking idea! i need shit to stop fucking around.
HOPEFULLY i will find out tomarrow if i can move in with ali, b.c if i cant, than it looks like im moving to daytona with my dad. in which will be hell. esp. since things are so amazing with me and brandon right now.
im willing to put the effort fourth. do move out, i just need a fucking place. only for mabey 2 months so i can save up some money. on top of that it makes things so much harder now that my license has been suspended, i have to wait for the fat ass cubnt to fucking get off her lazy ass and fucking call me back so i can get my papaers, so i can get them filled out so i can get my license back.

jdshf sadklbnlk jbfjksdf'

Silent words are louder than ever. Yet the heart is slowing down. Eyes are in full throttle, skin is still intense, yet the mouth can no longer be found. Words that could make me fly so high with peace and reign, over simple willingness, yet the benefit of the doubt is running low. Confused with second thoughts are hovering this now. I don’t know if this in which I feel is real, for it stands bluntly and true coming from this heart, yet yours still lays how it did when things were meaningless? Words or meaning, words or truth, weather they are letting go and false allabies, or if they are true, with truer meaning. Belittled I have done for you , hiding my hurt as you fuck her, as I sit fist row center, pretending to clap my hands, so maybe id have a chance. For it has finally come,I stand first over her, with smiles on this heart. Yet I stand so tried , begging the game to end. Im hungry for your words, im hungry for the truth, instead of the story I have in my head. Im ready for facts, im ready for the extra step from you. Will I ever receive it? So confused indeed I am, through the many girls, non have treated you completely right, non were true and real, gasping on to you, just “loving” your name that comes with the fortune and fame. though I stand here for you, holding out my hand, stretching from the good to the bad. Loving each part of ever tear, to every laughing jester. Never giving in before any walking human, with TURENESS , pureness, and for once the whole heart. Pathetic I may seem, though I don’t think you understand. Im not like them, in single self unity, I had, to once believe, it was the shelter from the rain, as the guard stranded in me. Though you shocked me like a lighting bolt so fresh out of the sky. Completely unexpected. Shhh just sit in cry. Inside voices little girl, for you will be punished. Your eyes scream feeling, in which ive seen only once before. Your pictures of two seem to glow with the flow of unity. As one in which is becoming, im all up for the passionate walk, yet there needs to be more talk. Sure I may be at the point of braking, but have I worked so hard, to just let it all go. I stand staking no steps forward nor backwards,, all UNTILL I hear some words of feeling escaping your mouth, instead of bleeding from your eyes. Weve reached a point where were starting to grow, as we both start to give in. Yet still my ears are hollow. As the next few days follow, we will see where this game is leading.<33

so im going to tally this weekend, b.c my agent called my mom, and shes wants to do another photo shoot, and start to redo my portiflio. so therefore i cant go to the cake is a lie, plus i think it would be good for me not to go jsut so brandon can have his own space. evennnn though i wanna go SOOOOOO bad, b.c a bunch of my friends, that no one knows down here, are all goin and all want me there =[ so i guess everythign is still up in the air. anywho. tonight we start to record mash up. yesterday we went to the mizner park to find an office space for me, and the guys. so ill know more about that later.im HOPEFULLY moving in with ali, in july b.c i have to find a place to move to by july 28th. on a different note, i didnt get much sleep last night. i cant wait till things are back in regular rotation astromically, and that wont be untill the 25.

anywho

    SMILE YOUR WORTH IT!

wow havent written in this for a LONG AS TIME.
so much has happened that i cant even begin to explain.
right now i am flying so high spritualy into the divine.

in the past 2 months i have changed so much, i dotn really party that much anymore, ive been stayin in on the weekends and no longer feel that erge to party and get fucked up. well lately i have been seeing a certine someone speical. ive had a thing for this person since last year when we first met, its one oft those things when you feel this connection with a person, but you hide from your feelings or you just dont even know that their there. Well on my birthday i stoped running, and faced them. the past month and 1/2 have been amazing, we havent gone a day with out talking. its weriod.. its a battle with us, i fight so hard to keep a wall up, and he fights so hard to knock it down. the thing is, he won. Last friday night, when i was talking with nikki, she made me realize alot of things, and i finally let down my final wall. so at this point.. after almost a year of fighting this im jsut gonna go with the flow.
its kinda sad lol, because, i remember last year when i first saw him at the mad house he cought my attention, in that way, and we had never really spoke before. Idk its hard to explain. but its faded. however i couldnt ignore it, when i felt full proff, and it kinda scared me, it happened one time at the madhouse, when we were allll tripping. i went and sat beside him, on the couch, faye and jason were standing talking to us, as i put my head on his lap, he put his arm around me... that was the moment where i couldnt be blind from my slef. for the first time in a long ass time i felt safe and okay. ever since than, i have darted as far away as i could from my feelings for him. b.c god knows everytime i open my heart its gets smashed thats why i have only opened it twice before. than  my birthday comes along, and we both jsut gave in , to the moment. and i dont mean sexually. since than hes been trying to knock through my walls, as same with me to him. now, mine are down, and hes opening up. which makes me happy. he deserves to let all that lingers with in out sometimes. hes a good guy and deserves more than he alows him self to receive. hopefully i did not make a huge a mistake last weekend. by not caring to not care anymore.i lvoe th pace that were going, for the way i see it, is if there im ever gonna alow my self to have a romantic relationship than, we need to have the groundation firm and strong in friendship and trust before anything else can arise from it, and the part that makes me most happy right now, is that , this is what we are doing , gaingin that trust and friendship, mixed with harmony and happyniess, which is something i have never felt.
i dont trust anyone, never have. but im starting to open up to the idea a little but more.
buyt dont get me wrong, i wont be blind.
i know what he does when im not around.
i will not be stuiped..
jsut for once, im letting my self go with the flow, instead of hiding from the flame, im facing it.

<333

PLUR

so im getting ready to move back up too tally.
so much shit i gots to do before i go
this week has been amazing soo far!
yesterday i went up to tampa with my bby faye, gots to see debbie and the kids!
there too cuite.
went down the slide with the baby, she didnt knwo what too think lol.
it was adorable!
than tomarrow ive gots a doc app.
than im off to ivys, chillin'
sat im goin to the beach, than to the rave, than stright from the rave to pillars. =]]
sunday come home.

and start off a new week. i was gonna go to touch bass, with jade, b.c she wanted me to go with her since its her birthday, but the whole ride situation is soo confusing and depending on if malic getst he car, depends on if im going.
i really wanna go, but its prob not gonna happen. but its whatever
right now and for the past few weeks ive been in the " i dont give a shit" mood. 
whatever happeneds happens, im tried of being stressed tryign to get everything planed out and all. if i go yaya , if i dont than w.e.

i havent really wanted to get of bed of the past 2 weeks. i jsut wanna sleep and stay there, not go out, not do shit. 
But faye but a big smile on  my face yesterday when i havent one in a good min. 
lol.

but im gonna go take a nap.
so i guess i shall yalk to you guys latterrrr<333

kso ultra was amazzzing.
had a blast. 
firday was so insanneee!!!
litterly!
lol.
however it pissed me off how no one would go with me into the crowd to dance. but its whatever.
for rabbit and the moon, i was right in the middle front, on big steaves shoulders can you say AHHH! lol
the rest of the night was also to amazing.
jaci, chrissy,kimmy,julie,and chance left, 
so me and lindsey wated on pillar than went back to him hotel.
i did my first whip it! =]]
the whips and beans jsut kept coming until 6 the next morning.
it was soo funnie. malic ends up taking a whip it and falls down, in the process, he ends up taking down half of Lauras dresser it was soo funnie.
dirty went " really" crazy .lol
and i thought i was an alien for a second. after doing one of the whip its  =D lol.
pillar picked up me lindsey and malic up to go to daytona with him b.c joanna left RJ in miami, and he had a flight at 12 so we drove all the way up there.
one the way pillar took a bean and right as he startd rolling we get pulled over. lol.
the cop goes.." why didnt you leve earlyer" and pillar goes.." because we were at ultra up late last night, hes a dj" it was soo funnie i swear it was the funniest thing ever.
get back shower at pillars.
i looked adorable <3
than headed to ultra.
got there and foudn out sean got arrested which started to put me into a bad trip but i came out of it quickly after we started hangin around julie and chance and them =]
night went amzingly awesome.
i got fed up with ppl, so i went into the crowd by my self. which was one of the highlights of my weekend hehe =]
than cought some of rabbit and jasons set. than me and lurg went in to the front for paul van dyke. it was soooo hott!
lol.
but i started feelin sick so he bought me some water.
than we headed down to beeny benassi, was there mabey 5 min, than almost passed out. 
i swear i fixing to die.
lurg helped a lil bit, than left, but chance and julie helped the most.
but i didnt wanna ruine the show for them so i left them to be,
as soon as i saw lindsey, i litterly ran and YANKED her out of the crowd. i was fixing to die i swear. 
so me and her left early and walked to pillars, 
i swear i havent been that sick in sooooooooo long. 
so than laura and big steave picked me up and i passed out untill this morning.

in a nutshell this weekend was amazing and i had soo much funn =]]]]]]]]

ah! so i went to my grandmother had an amazing ass long talk with her.
i realized alot about my families history and even myself.
went to go pick up sidney but the bitch didnt show so FUCKK HER!

sunday, came home , chilled whatever.. lol.
chris came over for awhile. 
than mike picked me up adn we went to barns and nobles, finally got my leather journal.
than kimmy calls, and wanted me to come down and spend the night with her, so i get droped off at alis, i walk in and jaci, talbor, victor , jermany,and some on there people were there =]]]]
we all rolled and had a blast. 
the next morning we all started trippin from the beans. it was amazing.havent done it for awhile.
ha we all layed on a blow up matress, in the open car port allllllll day lol. me and jaci layed out there the most making fun, of mail box, comparing them too skut and hammy! it was PRICELESSS!
jaci couldnt understand ANYTHINGGG and i coundt make sense for the life of me!

HAHA good times!
fuckin ravers =D

anywho, went back to kimmys, than had pillar pick us up.=]
went by chrissys. <3333
than picked up tiffany, than back to his house.

got to pillars, and smoked and smoked and smoked. i was so blitzzed!
lol.

it was amazing seeing him again, havent hung got with him in a good min. however i was so tired so i ende up being really quite and passing out early. lol.

balhh.

i miss blake so much, ive got too send 60 bucks to the ppl so he can call my cell phone it really fucking sucks, but he mgiht be down here for my birthday.

i hope so, i really do.
hes doin alot better
fuck! i love him so much and us not being able to see each othere is KILLING ME!

anywho..
PLUR!<3
ttyl.

kso, today was okay.

im mising blake with crazy. the memorie of this time last year is over welming.

i love skut and hammy so much they always make me smile. however i cant say the same for 2 of my friends. it seems lately, that i have been pissing off, and annoyin the shit out of two of my closest friends. idk, mabey its just me, but shit.. i really dont think so. even though last week was amazing, its got me thinking. gah i hate this shit. people really dont understand whats it like to be bipolar.! lol. so im prob. not goin too ultra since, i still dotn have a place to go after wards, and by the looks of things, i dont think i will. but whatever.Plus jason is being an ass, hasnt returned one phone call, so i dont even know if he still has my ticket. but whatever i dont give a fuck. Just goes to show we are real friends and who arnt. >not just talking about him.<- i help ppl out and all it does is bite me in the ass. im soo tired of all this, i jsut want sidney to come down, at least i know i dont get on her nerves like i apparently do everyone elses. but its sucks because i really wanted to go to ultra. ive heard so many good things about it, apparently the after is better. well i hope everyone has funn. 
i miss the madhouse so much you have no idea. i miss the way things were jsut a few months back. =[
GAH i miss rabbit. i miss jasonnn, and i miss faye! i miss them so much you dont even understand, things jsut havent been the same and i know they never will be again. why is it that everytime i try and care about something it turns to shit, examples: me and mario, me and kimmy, the madhouse, me and me, >yes i know  "me and me"<
do you have any ideaa what its like to NOOOTTT alow yourself, to truly want something for it always goes in reverse. now im not jsut saying that, i mean it. for example, even if its one night of jsut haning out at someones house, or someone coming over, if i TRULY want it , it will not happen, now idk if its my engery, or what, but i shit you not, thats the way it is with me, how much do you wanna be for my birthday ill be sitin at home. i jsut know that my plans will fall throgh.
FUCK i wish blake was here, for i know i wouldnt be so .. negitive.. but i just cant help it, but this is what happens when im on my down stage of my biopolarness.
it sucks. its hard. its hard to wake up. its hard to keep moveing on.. but all i can see if blake, and therefore there is light at the end of this tunnle, all i got to do is keep holding on and the light i shall see.

on a different note, i talked to raven tonight for 5 hours, hes the shit. good friend. finally got my phone back im soo happy hehe. =] finally cleaned the house from top to bottom =] in which makes me and ranie happy =]]]

lol, yah i know im dumb.

tomarrow, im headed to go get sidney, idk how long shell be staying but i hope awhile.than were goin to church with my grandma, uncle, and aunt. im excited i havent seen them in so long, or been too church.

--i miss my best friend, but shes been seeming so distant lately.. i miss her. =[ -- but hey what can yah do, thats life, ppl come and they go.they never stcik around..  i guess thats why me and blake meash so well, we both know what its like to strive on you own, and never get close to anyone for they always leave...im soo happy with my schooling, im doing so well. it really makes me smile, i get my drivers liense, next week. WHOOP WHOOP! **big smiles**=]] lol.

anywho, im so tired so im going to go to bed. i love you all, regardess.

nighty nighty!

im on cloud nine as we speak.
you dont understand.
so blake called me today and we talked for awhile.
and during our talk some how the converstaion of me and him being together again, came up.. and now were dating again.
it happened so fast.
i cant even believe it.

he saved my life this time a year ago, and now hes mine again.

at the end of april begining of may, hes coming down. and i have to find a place for him to stay, if not, than im movin up north, untill we are both stable to move out. b.c weve got a house to live at up there.

hes the one that keeps me goin to school.
hes the one that makes me wanna stay sober.
hes the reason i wake up every morning.
 im so excited to see him.

people can talk their shit, since hes so far but i dont give a fuck,
ive had a long distance realtionship before and gues what it lasted yearsss.

me and blake have been through so much shit you have no idea..
- me hiding from the cops
- living with what we had on our backs.
- surving .>hardest of them all<

me and him have takin down empires that the gods thought would always stand.

we can do it.
we have before.

i love him so much 
and i am so excited 

im so happy!

AHH!

im in love. always have been and always will be..<33

was amazing. i got WASTTTED. i havent been that drunk in so long if ever.lol.i mean come on, i puked, and if you know the smallest ounce about me, you know that for me too puke i had to be WASTED!
 i did some crazy shit that i never thought i would. 
ahh!
i  still cant believe it.
anywho. got to see my baby shannon who i have missed so much. i ran into so much shit. i also got to see rabbit which made me happy. i miss him . =[

i spent the most amzing past 4 days with my best of friends skut,hanmmy, jaci, chrissy, lindsey, and kimmmmyy!
 =]]]

so much fun, however i lost my phone, and left all my shit at chrissys house. 
but hopefully ill be getting it soon.

im so excited sydney is coming down this weekend me and my dad are picking her up in daytona.
not only will i finally have someone too help me with my fucking math, but im hoping that i will start to be less depressed. ive been dieing lately and no one has noticed, im too good at keeping my self locked away.
but i think that when she getts here, things will change, ill actually have someone who i can break with and than rebuild. so this time i dotn have to do it alone.

truthfully the only thing that has be going and holding on is blake. i cant explain it, he truly keeps me wanting to live life instead of end it.
i know that all my enties have been deep. and im usually not like this, i jsut cant keep it all locked inside anymore. because if so, than im afraid that i will end it and jsut loose control.
i dont even know if im going to ultra. i have no place to go afterwards, and im SOOO sick of always been an imposer on everyone. so im prob. not going.
"its sad when you dont belong with your friends or family"
     -quote by two.

ahh. idk, im jsut looking for the future, so i can be free, never have to bother anyone again.
ill be on my own, so instead of always imposign and annoying every one and everything around, ill finally be in my own world, which will consist of work, school, and friends>that is if any of them remain.<

ah. but i just want blake too be here now! hes the only one who i have ever felt okay, safe , and not self consious. he lets me be me, he takes care of me, i take care of him... we just have a center state of understanding, for we have both been let down by life, i guess thats why we find light with in eachother.. .. ... LIFE with in each other.

ive been praying alot lately, to god to help my dad, my mom , bring them good health so i can keep them longer. 

but im DONE doing shit for my friends, i always put my self on the back burner, for others, weather they realize it or not, and now look, i can count y true friends on one hand, and most of them arnt even here.
idk.
things are fixing to change, im fixing to change, for im sick and fucking tired of being the worlds bucket for everyone to shit in.
=]

PLUR!
<33333333

 

okay so lately ive been going crazy,
ive been really depressed
i just cant escape the thoughts of tallahassee.
its making me turn at night.
about a week ago, i had a nurves brreak down.
for about 2-3 days,
and i mean break down.
nothing like it ever before.
however it made me realize alof of shit.
and reminded me of who i am.
so dont take it to presonal, 
but im fixing to start filtering my friends, from life.
ive raealized who is ture, and who is shit,
sorry yah im drunk while writing this, but its true.
i come to see, who i can allow and trust in my life and who i cant.

-in all honstly, i want to go on another exile, for a little while, i still might but i dont know.
i just have to figure out what to do with my self, before i can feel right.
im the edge. 
ive only been gtting closer, as the months have past, and  now im my toes.. stearing at the sunlight.

,,//..//..///..///../////

***

darkess falls slience once again deeping thoughts prohidited convinced by the deman in you exploring my every move. seeing from the inside lurking through till death. dare you do, for if you did, -it would be ruined- see the un-noticed who shines most brightly with the smile. her eyes speak truth, though its behind what the normal one can see. for its out of place, for she is out of place. standing before conviction, pleaing on every knee, "light is all she can see". though the pavement has already setteled. life and change is all to daring to pun gon such a war. --oh let her thoughts be settle, for the ending is oh so near. brace yourself. for he is near. the clock ends soon for this story i know. but their all to bind to see it***. self uncontrol. this is no longer in my hands im letting it all go.

my body is acing for your touch.
my mind is wondering for your love.
to be yours again, it almost seems hopless, wastless, breatheless, 
for im so in love with you.
all i dream is of you, is of the love we once shared, jsut to know that i could have it again , makes me wonder...

WHY DO I CHOSE TO RUN FROM YOU!!?!?!?!
why do i shut off my feelings from you.
your touch 
your smell
everything about you leaves me in a state of bewilderment.
daniel blake young. 
i hope in all that you can achive your self to my ruls and regulations, 
for if these cloulds are reach able, we shall fly.

i love you but im so scared to let you back into my heart, back into my life.
GOD please prove your self to mee. 
for im only waiting<333

when i was back in tallahassee, i was dating this guy Blake young. i got together with him after will.
you see for years i was screaming and screaming and screaming for someone to notice that i was broken inside.
no one did.

the frist time i did tripple Cs i was sitting on the same couch as my mom but she was so cracked out she couldnt even tell. i was so alone. but no one noticed.

the day i met blake, was when i was bad in to coke, i just finshed an 8 ball and some dirtys, my mom was in the living room and i was in the bed room with john, al, jesses, blake and thorin. i droped my cig. on my stomice and jsut watched it litterly bubbble my skin, to this day i still have a scar.
that night is the night my life was changed. that was the the night he told me to be sober.
the next day me blake chris and thorin head off to P.C. the day after i was so sick from having with drawls i couldnt even eat a grape. not nothing i was puking and puking. the grossest ive ever looked. 
yet blake still stood and held my hair and i wasnt even his yet.
 
Not too shortly after that he moved in, but me and my mom were figting so much, so she kicked me out.
so than we moved back to his place.. things were amazing untill my mom started being a bitch.
long story short. i was running from the cops for a month and hiding from the world.
he took care of me, he made sure i ate, 
...in which no one cared taking up to years before.
he was my rock that i could lean on.

a few months later we break up b.c he has to go to south carolina, b.c of the injuction that was put on him by his ex. 
when we broke up he started coke.
when i moved he got bad.
when he found out that i was never moving back he got into some shit i dont even wanna talk about.

now hes is jail, but getting out soon.

i havent really talked talked talked to him since we split, so i decied to write him a lettter while hes in jail, it was very long and intense. not to menchin deep as fuck!

come to my surprize, yesterday morning, i wake up to a phone call from my mom.
the first thing she says is.." can you hear blake?"

i was like WTF!??!?!!?

he called her to have her three way me, since the jail phone cant call cell phones.
we talked for a GOOD 20 min, b.c of him time limit.
Since hes been in jail which has been for a while now, he says that its made him be sober and smarted hes opened his eyes to alot of things.
when he gets out hes gonna get a job and shit.

My plans now are,... in july im getting a place with shannon and chris, if blake can not move in with us there, than me and him are just gonna get a place like we did before.

because of him i am standing here today.
because of him i am breathing .

becuse of him, theres a smile on my face.
yes he has his mean moments but they fade.

i love him and i miss him.
i hope everything works out well, but knowing my luck ill fuck it up somehow.

whoo  hoo skut made me a livejournal YEAHHHH!!!!!!!